TOPS : DEC 2, 2023 · FlipCityMag.com
Inner-city fans voted and the results are in. Here are the top three ANTIFA hooligans and hellraisers that may be menacing your local neighborhood sometime soon, so stock up on rodent repellent.
#3: ANDREW CAULDFELD
Hailing from Klamath Falls, OR, arson is Andrew's specialty, along with self-inflicted pain. Andrew did this unmentionable thing, and got 90 days in Klamath County correctional facility for lewd behavior. His time on the inside does not appear to have corrected him – on the night of his release he threw M-80 explosives at a police cruiser and found himself back in the can.
Despite the friendly grin, Cauldfeld is not to be taken lightly: a business card on a bulletin board at Bean Town Coffee identifies him as a practitioner of the "dark arts", so cross him at your own risk.
#2: BRENDA ROSITA
Don't let the nice girl package fool you - this lady with two first names is no lady. In fact, vicious man-hater Brenda once broke a man's neck for yawning at her.
After this at of brutality, Rosita spent six months on house arrest thanks to the Hon. Judge Avery Jacobs, but was released after testimony from local Waffle Hut owner Kash Agarwal that she was solely responsible for keeping his restaurant in business.
Currently wanted for domestic abuse, Rosita faces four counts of assault on a refrigerator. When her Antifa cohorts dogpiled on top of riot officers at a trans rights demonstration earlier this year, Brenda was last one on top.
#1: KELLY CHASE
Fatherless spawn of two '90s-era second-wave feminists, Chase's skills extend from munitions expert to business entrepreneur and sous chef. Antifa Officer Chase is a veteran of multiple street battles including the Siege of Cosmo's Magic Theatre in Colorado Springs in 2015. He is also known to have spearheaded the organization of brick and hammer stockpiles during the 4th of July Flag Burning in Gettysburg.
With a lengthy rap sheet that includes theft, larceny, safe-breaking, aggravated mayhem and long-term poisoning, Kelly has made a reputation for himself among Antifa elite. Kelly is known to have an Achilles heel for cute puppies. If you see this man, be careful! •
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