If you were ever charged with caring for an "egg baby" as a school assignment, then your fertility has long since flown the coop. More recently you may have conducted this classic social experiment with the help of a 90s-era Japanese hand-held digital Tamagotchi game that simulated the egg-hatching scenario, your ultimate success or failure determined by your diligence or negligence. For those actually considering going all-in on the procreation experience, or doing risky things that might bear similar results, there's a new, emerging, and much easier cop-out and alternative to old-school childbirth which leaves your cha-cha intact and spares you the embarrassing stretch marks to boot: the Digital Baby! Say goodbye to the smell of strained peas and crayon marks on your favorite wall forever, as this emerging accessory craze is sure to solve all of the world's problems, and yours, forever. If you think the baby formula shortage is an issue, wait until the diaper shortage hits! Now, caring for an electronic algorithm may still sound like an awful lot of work, at which point prospective parents may ask themselves: What's in it for me? In short: the fully sanitized experience of parenthood. Digital children will come preloaded with natural immunity from everyday tragedies like tricycle accidents, scraped knees and chicken pox, so you'll never be bogged down with their incessant bed-side bell-ringing. As for flexibility, digital children can be programmed to grow at a predetermined rate, or to grow up faster, or slower, or in reverse! You'll be able to enjoy your digital child at ANY level of development, for as long as you wish, like one that appropriately matches your own childish, stunted state of extended adolescence.
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